I know you’ve been binge watching garbage on Netflix and going to bed late, even though you know you’re tired.
I know you sometimes eat fast food because you’re starving and it feels like the clock is running against you. Not only that, the effort in getting out of your car to get something healthier seems like too much effort; even when you’re craving healthier.
I know that sometimes you feel crotchety and you yell at the person in the car ahead of you, even when they really didn’t do anything wrong.
I do it too.
I know that you’ve been super creative about what to wear to conduct your daily business because doing the laundry – despite not being truly a big deal – really feels like one, and if you could just hold out one more day you think you might have the energy then.
Speaking of energy, I also know that you feel like doing something physical – like it feels in your bones and muscles like a great idea to go on a great hike or take that class at the studio – though in real time the logistics and physics of getting there seem like a heavier burden on top of the one you already feel like you are carrying.
I really get that you think about that water bottle on your desk so many times, and that despite being thirsty, you only manage about 8 ounces at best, no matter the thirst or how dry your skin actually feels. Sometimes it even feels like your eyelids are sticking to your eyeballs but still you dont get those sips in. Coffee or soda on the other hand seemed to go down smoothly.
I know you’ve been saying things like, “I should” and “one day” and then feeling small and tight somewhere in that body of yours, wincing because you mean it and you just don’t know right in this moment, realistically, when all of those “shoulds” and wishes could possibly be met.
I know you were late to daycare or dinner because of a series of events including forgetting something important before you got in the car – like your keys – or by taking that one last call or question and then remembering that the last time you pee’d was so many hours ago it would be a good idea to take care of that first.
I know you’re mental load is full and so sometimes when you’re in a conversation with a great friend or someone at home you zone out for a moment as something they say or do reminds you about that other thing you keep intending to take care of. And you say to your self, I’ve got to remember that, only to have forgotten by the time you find a post-it note.
I am you.
And it’s ok. This is not a state of permanence. Maybe for you it’s been a long while since this has been happening, or maybe this is a blip in your otherwise super conscious existence. Whether its your blood pressure, your weight, your autoimmune condition, your fertility situation, your lack of sleep, or whatever… no matter what it is causing or resulting in all of this, it’s ok.
There is kale and exercise, great sleep, lots of laughter, and ease in your future.
I know because, I’ve been there too – I’ve been there right now. In the ins and outs of chaos juxtaposed with just enough peace and ease to remind me that life doesn’t have to stay exhaustive, chaotic, irritatingly stressful or overwhelming. There is content, peaking through the trees like sunshine, between all of the insanity. This is life. The goal isn’t to get rid of the nuttiness; balance is a misunderstood objective. We aren’t looking for a balanced scale – that’s the same as a flatline, death. We’re looking for a smooth wave form that can go up and down with relative ease many times, and jagged or jolting peaks and valleys when the shit hits the fan – that’s appropriate. We’re looking for a scale that moves, up and down, rhythmically most of the time, not just with one side up and the other down.
So you and your stress, chaos, cortisol, anxiety and fatigue are welcome here. You in all of your perfections and imperfections. You human being, doing the best you know how to do. You feeling sometimes defeated, sometimes hopeless, sometimes euphoric and triumphant. Don’t worry, you can achieve that smooth ocean wave of everything in life moving as it should – less stuck, or less jagged – up and down, forward and backward, achievement and failure, emotional and calm, rested and fatigued.
Come on, I’ll show you. Humans welcome.