Choosing myself

I picked up the phone and with shaky hands dialed the phone number I had dialed daily, sometimes hourly, for years. I knew I was calling with a purpose, to simply close the chapter. She answered and I calmly said the words I was compelled to speak out loud, “I would have done anything for you, you told incredible lies that caused severe damage, we both know the truth.”  

I hung up and felt at peace, I only needed her to know that we both know the truth.

I felt content, calm, lighter.   

My journey in 2015 was anything but calm. I found myself swimming in shark infested waters, trudging through uneven terrain, and dragging myself up what seemed like insurmountable mountains. Sounds like hyperbole, even to me, but it was my reality. My entire world: professionally, health-care, personally, emotionally, and spiritually, became heavy and dark. Many moments, I was not sure I would ever see light again or even recognize it if it appeared.

But, since I am writing this, obviously I made it. I survived. I actually did something much more meaningful; I got to know me.

In facing my stormy journey I almost inadvertently found the most precious treasure, me. I find myself saying I had no choice but in truth I made choices everyday that led me to the hidden treasure. I got up every morning and did my life. I used my energy to love those most important to me as fiercely as I could. I trusted my gut. I meditated. I did yoga. I became self aware and paid attention to my body. I fought for my integrity even when it would have been so much easier to surrender.

And through it all, I seized every moment as an opportunity to learn about me. To understand what is really important to me – how I want to spend my time, what scares me, what infuriates me. I learned all about me through a new lens, not the lens of societal norms or expectations, but my unique Rebecca lens.

Perhaps I sound narcissistic or egotistical, but I think it’s quite the opposite. By seeing me through my own lens, I have learned how to be somewhat comfortable and once in awhile even content in my own skin. Instead of constantly obsessing about whether I meet societal expectations, I have become more curious about the people and world around me. I have become more mindful and calm about my interactions.

So, I am not making any resolutions or promises, I am simply making the choice to continue the journey. The choice to live everyday really feeling the spectrum of emotions and making conscious choices about my actions and interactions.

A bit about Rebecca Pikofsky: Rebecca loves to eat cauliflower, bake, swim and laugh. She lives in Silver Spring with her beloved husband, awesome kids, and a few jazzy guinea pigs.   You can connect with Rebecca to chat about your own healing journey, or anything at all, at retaxes@hotmail.com


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